Personal Blog · Uncategorized

So …

So…here I am.  My first post on here.  I guess this is the story of how I got here.  I didn’t really have a clue what i was doing when i started out, I just knew I wanted to do something with my life , something different.  I was sick of the same old thing , all day every day.  However I had a job I loved and i was scared to give it up because where would my income come from then ?  Then three years ago things started going downhill, first my mom died and I was distraught .  To the point that I took my daughter to Blackpool for a long weekend.  I simply couldn’t contemplate my life without her there, so I ran away from it .  However I had to come back , I mean you can’t run away from your life forever can you .  They say time heals, it doesn’t, you just learn to live with your grief.  Thats my opinion on it anyway.

As if that wasn’t enough I then got ill.  I already knew I had Fibromyalgia now life just wanted to throw a little more at me .  I suddenly found myself in even more pain than ever.  My knee was so swollen I couldnt straighten my leg and I couldn’t walk properly, so much so I had to use a walking stick .  Great .

I spent a lot of time in my Doctors surgery.  After each trip coming out with a different diagnosis and different medication.  Then having to return because the medication didn’t work, because the diagnosis was wrong…again.  In the end he referred me to a rheumatologist…hurrah.  At last I got a proper diagnosis.  Polymyalgia.  A type of arthritis I supposedly shouldn’t have till I’m at least sixty five.  When did life decide to hit me with a brick in the face ?  More to the point, why ?

Over the months it took the Doctors to find out what was wrong with me I had to give up work because I was in so much pain and I simply couldn’t walk anywhere.  Simply getting into a car was a major operation, standing back up after I’d sat on my own sofa was impossible without help.  I couldn’t turn my head to look at people when they spoke to me , I had to turn my whole body and look at them , it simply hurt to much .  To make it easier, every movement I made hurt.  I’m not good with pain , this was a living nightmare for me.  I already suffered with depression, now it was worse than ever.  They say God never gives you more than you can cope with, maybe it’s true, because I nearly broke, nearly but not quite.  I’d been given so many medications to take I thought I was going to start to rattle when I walked.  The main one I have to take is a steroid, no I don’t get roid rage, it’s not that type of steroid.  I have to take a corticosteroid and oh do i hate it.  When you take steroids you get a whole new look.  I put on lots of weight and I now have a large round face.  A side effect of taking steroids called moon-face.  To put it bluntly I feel like a walking monster…the Honey Monster from the Sugar Puffs advert , if anyone remembers him .

For a good time, a very long time, I was depressed to the point of not wanting to get out of bed.  I did get out of bed, but only because I had to.  Then I suddenly realised I wasn’t me anymore.  I’d lost me somewhere over the past three years and I couldn’t seem to find her in the depths of my depression.  So I tried to remember things I’d liked doing before.  You know normal things everyone else does.  I started going out again, every Friday I’d get dressed , do my hair and make-up and go to the pub with my family and friends.  That worked for a while, but only for a while, a few months.  So I tried again, what did I used to like, enjoy doing, how did I spend my free time ?  I remembered knitting when I was expecting my daughter, I was fairly good at it and I’d enjoyed it.  So I bought needles and wool and all the things you need to knit and started knitting again.  That lasted even less time.  I thought about trying various things and never took them up.  Then I remembered I’d  always enjoyed making things, anything really.  What I actually liked was arts and crafts, all different kinds.  At the same time a friend of mine reminded me that I’d always wanted a small buisness of my own.  While I was thinking about how or if I could do this I saw another friend of mine selling clothing online after asking her how she was doing this I got involved in online selling.  What a nightmare the first experiance of that was, the woman who owned the company turned out to be a con artist, she took orders that never arrived and kept all the money plus she borrowed money off various people and never gave it back .  However I found that although that taught me to be careful it certainly didn’t put me off, if anything it gave me a little drive to try again.  I knew two women who had been working with the same woman, they had set up on there own, doing the same thing, selling clothing online.  So I thought I’d give it another go and asked them if I could sell them for them.  Luckily for me they agreed.  I had a great time working for them, but eventually I came to realise that I simply wasn’t good at selling to people, I was torn as to what to do.  Should I keep trying or should I simply stop and give it up because it simply wasn’t working for me.  No one could say I didn’t try, I tried for months, it simply didn’t work for me.  So I left.  What no one knew was what an incredibly hard decision that was for me, I laboured over what I should do for a few months.  Not a few days or weeks.  It was such a hard thing to decide, it took up most of my time.  In the end I made the break and left.

I knew I’d always suffer with depression, but sometimes it was worse than others.  Sometimes it was unbearable.  They talk about the black dog as a metaphor for depression, lets just say I felt like it was tied to my ankle.  I knew I needed to try something to bring me out of my depths, so I took up meditation.  At this point I’d just like to say that I’d recommend it.  Especially if like me you suffer with chronic depression.  It worked a treat and pulled me back up.  Was I relieved ?  You could hear the sigh of relief from the other side of the room .  So now here I was again needing to decide what I wanted to do with my life.  I decided I could do anything I wanted to.  Quite literally.  If other people could do it, so could I.  If I failed at least I could say I’d tried.  I didn’t want to regret not having taken that first step for the rest of my life.  Always looking back thinking, what if .  I decided I wanted to set up my own business.  However I wasn’t sure how to start or even what to do.  A few years previously I’d started making jewellery, I decided that was the way to go for now at least.  So I started making jewellery and selling it.  I made enough to cover my costs so that was fine.  However it wasn’t enough for me, I wanted to do more, expand and grow my tiny tiny business.  Unfortunately my Fibromyalgia had other ideas, I had a flare up of it and was in pain yet again.

Back to the Doctors.  More medication.  Until I got a little better everything went on hold.  During this time a friend of mine had to leave her job.  She decided she wanted to set up a coffee shop, it had always been a dream of hers.  We got chatting and I found out her Mom made jewellery, not only did she make it she had a room full of the stuff.  I suggested to her she should try and sell it online.  My friend could make anything with a sewing machine, cushions, toys, duvet covers, you name it she could make it.  As for me I’d been looking into how to make beads,  and found out about a thing called polymer clay.  It was like plasticine for adults.  You could make anythingwith it, bake it so it hardened and varnish it.  I bought some out of curiosity more than anything else and I was hooked instantly.  I loved it.  I’d always loved arts and crafts and now I’d found my niche so to speak.  I decided i could make whatever I wanted to ,  beads, keyrings, pendants.  Then sell them.  Half joking I said to my friend that her mom, her and me should go into business together and sell all our stuff online.  About a week later she told me she thought it was a good idea.  I was shocked to the core, I wasn’t expecting her to think it was a good idea, no one ever thought my ideas were good.  It ended up with just her and me but we forged ahead.  We made a page on Facebook to sell on, however just like always it wasn’t enough for me.  I thought we needed a website too.

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